


Reading Between The Lines

by IcamaneHatake



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Crack, Crossover, Hogwarts, Multiple Crossovers, Other
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-08-04
Updated: 2012-08-03
Packaged: 2017-11-11 09:37:36
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 3,970
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/477130
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/IcamaneHatake/pseuds/IcamaneHatake
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>When Bently McQuinn somehow ends up in Half-Blood Prince, he's elated. But he soon finds out that a group of crazed fanfic writing Twihards have taken over. Can Bently save Harry Potter? Or will it be fall to the Fairy Lord? Crack!fic.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Falling Asleep

_“Pathetic, Weasley,” said Snape, after a while, “Here – let me show you –”_

_He turned his wand on Harry so fast that Harry reacted instinctively; all thought of nonverbal spells forgotten, he yelled, “Protego!”_

I could feel sleep trying to take me. My blinks were getting slower as my eyelids tried closing on me. “No,” I told myself. “Not yet! I’ve got another book after this one!”

_His Shield Charm was so strong Snape was knocked off-balance and hit a desk. The whole class had looked around and now watched as Snape righted himself, scowling._

This was going so slow. The coffee and sugar was starting to wear off. I considered going to make more, but I felt too lazy and tired. I looked up at the clock; 1:37 AM. I groaned. In five and a half more hours, it would be twenty-four since I had started this mad bet. I forced myself to go on.

_“Do you remember me telling you we are practicing nonverbal spells, Potter?”_

_“Yes,” said Harry stiffly._

_“Yes, sir.”_

_“There’s no need to call me ‘sir,’ Professor.”_

I suppressed a laugh into a snort. “I have to win this…” I muttered. My friend and I had made a bet to see who could read more Harry Potter in twenty-four hours. And I had to win… I had no money to pay him if I lost. “Come on Harry!”

_The words escaped him before he knew what he was saying. Several people gasped, including Hermione. Behind Snape, however, Ron, Dean, and Seamus grinned appreciatively._

_“Detention, Saturday night, my office,” said Snape. “I do not take cheek from anyone, Potter…not even ‘the Chosen One.’”_...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The italic sections are lines from Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince. It belongs to JK Rowling, not myself.


	2. Potions

I snapped up to attention, my face on a cold, stone floor. I gave quite a start, feeling around the floor for my copy of Half Blood Prince… nothing. I pushed myself up to standing and looked around. I was in a dark stone hallway, with a single torch burning a little ways down. I walked towards the torch, finding a tall set of stairs on my left. There was the noise of  
hundreds of voices and footsteps that met my ears as I left the staircase.

I found myself in a huge stone hall with hundreds of people walking about it. They all wore black robes, with some kind of design on them. Inspecting the closest person, I found theirs had a lion with a big “G” on it. “Oh my God…” I said, shocked. “I’ve died and gone to Hogwarts!” I jumped in the air, whooping.

Suddenly, someone tackled me to the ground, covering my mouth with their hand. “Shut up will you? Do you _want_ do die?” the mysterious girl hissed, checking around us before dragging me back down into the dungeons. She had brown hair and a Slytherin insignia on the front of her robes.

“P-Pansy Parkinson?!” I asked in disbelief.

“What?” she snapped, leading me further down the dark and cold corridor.

“What... what the heck? What are you doing?”

“Saving your arse. You _are_ a Slytherin, after all,” she said, pointing down to my chest. Sure enough, there sat the Slytherin crest, on the black robes I was wearing. I was confused to the extreme.

“Saving me from what?”

“The Headmistress got mad at everyone who isn’t a speaking character and turned them all into zombies. So _now_ , we have to make sure one of them isn’t around before we can talk, otherwise they try and steal our wands,” she said, exasperated.

“Wait, Head _mistress_? I though Dumbledore was a man!”

“What are you, stupid? Of course she’s a man!” Pansy snapped. I shook my head, even more confused. “What’s your name, anyways?” she asked as we approached an open door.

“Bently McQuinn,” I replied as I followed her through the door.

“Well Lightning, enjoy your Potions lesson,” she said before leaving.

“My name’s not Lightning, it’s Bently!” I shouted after her.

“CROAK!”

I jumped and turned in mid-air, facing a giant toad in brown robes. My eyes went wide and I began edging away as the frog began surveying me tastily.

“ _No! Bad Professor Slughorn!_ ”

Out of nowhere, Neville Longbottom flew at the giant toad, tying him up with a flick of his wand. Stunned, I stood there while Neville threw the toad into a rather large cauldron and then turned back to the door.

“Pansy, get back in here! You can’t just leave like that!”

Pansy sulked back into the room, holding a machete. “Damn it Neville, I was about to just end his miserable life…” she muttered, sheathing the machete on her belt.  
Neville smiled slightly before turning back to me.

“So, what’s your name again?”

“Bently McQuinn,” I answered shakily. “And what the _hell_ happened to Hogwarts?”

Neville sighed sadly. “Well, ever since Professor Dumbledore started experimenting with worm holes, lots of hyper teenage girls started showing up all over the place screaming something about “sparkly vampires.” Then they started writing, and now the story has gone to this.” Here, Neville gestured around the room, where several students just stared at the front of the room, showing no signs of life.

“How can you talk in front of them?”

“I cast Muffliato. It’ll hold for a little while. Now, there’s got to be a reason you’re here, Lightning. Come with us,” Neville said, and he and Pansy walked out of the room.

I followed them, muttering, “My name’s not Lightning!”


	3. The Quest

Neville and Pansy lead me up to the fifth floor and into the Library. In the middle was a large circle of tables and chairs, and circling around this were at least thirty chainsaws, doing an elaborate, coordinated dance. Neville and Pansy pointed their wands at them, said, “Immobulus!” and passed safely through the stationary chainsaws. I followed quickly. As soon as I was clear, the chainsaws began dancing again.

“They keep away the fake vampire zombies,” said a voice. I turned around to find Hannah Abbott of Hufflepuff there, along with Justin Finch-Fletchley, Seamus Finnegan, and Michael Corner of Ravenclaw. “That and the smell of unicorns we put all over the library,” Hannah added. “We’re the only characters left that The Crazy haven’t infected.”

“The Crazy?” I asked.

“Those writers I was telling you about,” said Neville. “They’ve holed themselves up in the Gryffindor Commonroom, so we took over the Library because they’re scared of real books.”

“So, from what you’re telling me, these are psycho-obsessed Twi–”

“ _No!_ Do not speak its name!” hissed Pansy. “It gives them power every time it’s spoken. It’s the Book-That-Must-Not-Be-Named.”

“Alright, so… then what happened to Voldemort?” 

To my surprise, no one flinched at the mention of his name.

“The Crazy took him over long ago. He’s been skipping through the Forbidden Forest for three months now, picking flowers and whistling. And it turns out, he was the bastard son of George Bush and Hilary Clinton. Go figure,” said Justin, shrugging his shoulders.

“So how come you guys are still normal?”

“The Crazy don’t think we’re worth the time to take over. Most the minor characters are still sane. Ernie, Millicent, Blaise and Terry are out trying to find more people that are sane. Oh, and trying to find us some food,” added Michael.

I thought this all over, then said, “Well… if The Crazy were killed or driven off… would everything go back to normal?”

“They say that if The Crazy’s deity were to be killed, then they too would all perish,” said Seamus slowly.

“But no one’s been able to find It,” added Hannah.

“We’re not even sure of what IT is,” said Michael.

“I know what It is,” said a low, somewhat strained voice. Through the circle of chainsaws came the group of students that were mentioned before by Michael, led by Ernie Macmillen. He had circles under his eyes. “It is the source of all the other fake vampire zombies, and It’s name is Edward Cullen, the sparkly fairy that pretends to drink blood. The Crazy worship It, and I’ve trying to FIND It for quite some time.” He hung his cloak up on one of the chairs as the others sat down. “I have come very close to FINDING It, but It always ends up eluding me in the end,” Ernie sighed. “Perhaps you, Lightning McQueen, can FIND It.”

“Alright, but let’s get this straight; my name’s NOT Lightning McQueen, it’s Bently McQuinn. And secondly, I have no idea how to find It, or how to kill It.”

“Good point, McQueen. You’ll have to follow It’s tell-tale trail of fairy dust. Unlike the typical blue kind left behind by the fake vampire zombies, It’s fairy dust is pink, and turns rainbow in the sunlight. It’s usually found in the common rooms, stalking the girls. When they can catch it, The Crazy usually lock It up in the Gryffindor girl’s dorms. Oh, and from what my research tells me, Gryffindors sword can kill it, but _someone_ dropped it in the Chamber of Secrets on our last exploit there.” Here, Ernie glared at Millicent, who blushed crimson. “So, your task is this, Lightning McQueen; find Gryffindors sword, track It down, kill It, and rid the world of The Crazy. Do you think you can do it?”

I sighed. There really was no hope in trying to get them to get my name right, was there?

Still, I couldn’t let the world of Potter remain in the hands of the Twihards. “Alright, I’ll do it.”

“Excellent,” said Ernie.

“You’ll probably need this,” said Neville, handing me a wand. “It was Ron’s.”

“What happened to him?”

“After The Crazy made Harry and Hermione hook up, he killed himself,” said Hannah, tears in her eyes.

“Oh, and you might need this,” said Seamus, handing me a necklace of sorts.

“What’s this?”

“A Horcrux-seeking medallion,” he answered.

“But wait, why do I–” But I was shoved out of the ring of chainsaws before I could finish my sentence.

“Good luck, Lightning McQueen!” called Neville after me as I left the Library.


	4. Herbology and The Chamber

“Great, just great,” I grumbled as I sneaked like a ninja down the hallways, Ron’s wand lit in my hand. “I have a wand that’s not even mine, a useless medallion, and I have to get into the Chamber of Secrets. I can’t even speak Parseltounge!” I wanted to kill the wall in frustration. “By the time I get out of this, it’ll be morning, and I’ll have lost my bet!”

I took a few turns and found myself in the Herbology greenhouse. “Now, how the hell did I get here?” I asked out loud, and all the students snapped their heads around to stare at me with those creepy, empty eyes. Then they all got up and started walking towards my, zombie style. I held up my wand, and yelled, “What _is_ this madness?!”

“Madness?” asked Professor Sprout, who was in the back of the room, standing on a desk. “ _This… is…_ HERBOLOGY!” she screamed, and pulled a huge Venomous Tentacula from behind her and jumped on the zombie students, letting the plant consume their heads. “ _Run, Lightning McQueen!_ ” she yelled at me, and I obeyed, running as fast as I could in any direction. I finally came to rest on the second floor, near Moaning Myrtle’s bathroom.

“Finally, some luck at last,” I gasped out, and headed for her bathroom. I opened the door, and water rushed out. “Uh-oh,” I said cautiously, “Myrtle’s been crying again.” And indeed, there was sobbing coming from one of the stalls. As I approached, I found not Moaning Myrtle, not even Draco Malfoy, but Bill Weasley. “Um, Bill? What’s wrong?” I asked, stepping up to the stall.

“F-Fleur is… Fleur is…”

“Fleur’s what?”

“She… she… ” But Bill couldn’t finish his sentence.

“Come on man, what’s wrong with Fleur?”

“ _Fleur is a man!_ ” Bill wailed, gripping the toilet seat even harder as more tears spilled onto the floor and into the bowl. Unable to think of anything to say, I backed away from Bill and over to the sinks in order to look for the entrance to the Chamber. I searched the sinks for the little snake, and finally found it. I tapped it a few times, wondering how I was going to get in.

I tapped it with Ron’s wand and said, “Alohomora.” Nothing happened. I sighed, and said hopefully, “Open Sesame?” Still, nothing. I tired everything I could think of, until I got fed up and yelled, “HISS HISS RAWR!” at the sink. To my complete surprise, the sink sunk into the floor and the entrance to the Chamber appeared. “Whoa,” I breathed, took a deep breath, and jumped down the tube.

It was a dark and slippery journey down into the Chamber of Secrets. When I landed, I realized that I had no way to get in, due to the fact that when Ron and Harry were down here, the ceiling collapsed. I also had no way out. “Damn,” I muttered, creeping down the tunnel with my wand lit. When I came to the pile of rocks that had fallen from the ceiling, I pointed my wand at it and yelled, “Reducto!” When the dust cleared, I found that there was a neat little hole through the rocks. “Sick,” I said, and climbed through.

It was a long walk through to the actually Chamber. As I approached it, I heard voices coming from inside. Cautiously, I made my way into the Chamber of Secrets.

On the floor was the dead Basilisk, smelling of rotten flesh. There were three people sitting by it, wearing dark robes. I pulled the collar of my shirt up over my nose as I approached. “Who are you?” I asked, pointing my wand at the three people, glancing around for the Sword. The one in the middle got up. He had brown robes and equally brown skin with a bald head. I nearly dropped my wand in surprise. “Mace Windu?!”

“Yes?”

“But… but… you’re dead! Anakin killed you in the last movie!”

“So he did. But I fell out a window and died on impact, as did these two,” the Jedi master said, mentioning to the other two. They wore black robes.

“Darth Maul and The Emperor?”

“Yes. We all ended up here somehow, and we can’t leave. The Force is not with us here, and we have no weapons.”

I thought that was rather… well, sad. “So, what have you guys been doing?”

“Playing poker. But Palpatine keeps cheating…” Mace shot The Emperor a dark look.

“So, um, well… have any of you seen a great big silver sword laying around?”

“No.” I mentally cursed. “But,” Mace continued, “a few days ago, an old woman with a silver beard came down and took it. She wouldn’t let us leave, however,” he added sadly.

“Great. How did he – I mean, she – leave?”

Mace pointed to the side of the chamber. “She just went over there and disappeared into the wall.”

“Alright, thanks Master Windu,” I said, bowing slightly, and ran over to the part of the wall he had mentioned.

“Gah, what was the spell for revealing things?” I asked myself out loud as I searched the wall. As I ran my hand over the bricks, one of them clicked into the wall. I jumped away as the wall slid open, revealing an elevator. “What the hell,” I said, and got in. The wall slid closed after me, and the elevator began traveling upwards. By this time, a secret elevator in the Chamber of Secrets really didn’t surprise me. But now I knew where to look; Dumbledore’s office.


	5. A Frightening Memory

The only problem was, I had no idea where to look first. I found the gargoyle guarding the office without any problems, but now I had to get in. “Acid Pop?” I asked, and the gargoyle sprang aside. “Well, at least _that_ hasn’t changed…” I muttered as I ran up the staircase. I knocked on the wooden door. “Professor Dumbledore?” I asked, but got no answer. So I let myself in.

The office was just like it was described in the books. I stared in awe around myself at my favorite professor’s office. Dumbledore didn’t seem to be there, so I began snooping around. I found the cabinet where the Pensieve was and peered into it. The silvery contents began swirling faster and faster, until I was sucked in. I fell through darkness until I landed in a rather crowded room.

I seemed to be in the staff room at Hogwarts. There seemed to be all the professors here, and the room was decorated for Christmas. There was a table full of food and something that looked suspiciously like Firewhiskey. Professor Dumbledore seemed to be the life of the party, with a bottle of the whiskey in his hand. He was swaying a little, and was red in the face. He was chatting to McGonagall, who looked possibly just as drunk. “And then I says to him, Minerva, I says, _“That’s not a Fanged Frisbee, it’s your dog!”_ Can you believe it?” roared Dumbledore with laughter. McGonagall just started laughing and hiccupping, falling over and staying on the floor, giggling.

“Now, where’d Severus go?” asked Dumbledore, parting the crowd in search of Snape, who was currently hiding in the corner. “ _Sev!_ ” cried out Dumbledore as he found Snape, and threw his arm and weight around Snape’s neck, nearly bringing them both to the floor.

“Headmaster, you’ve very drunk,” Snape pointed out.

“ _Nonsense, Sev!_ ” yelled out Dumbledore, pulling Snape out into the middle of the room. “Come on, let’s dance!”

“ _Headmaster!_ I really must protest!” Snape shouted, a bit of read creeping up his sour cheeks. But Dumbledore wouldn’t listen, and just spun around with Snape struggling to get out of his grasp, singing a waltz-like song. It started to get a bit out of control as they started running over other teachers when the picture began to fade and I was falling upwards (if that was possible) I landed once again in Dumbledore’s office.


	6. Killing The Fairy Lord

The memory in the Pensieve had scared me as much as it had amused me. I now searched through the office, trying to get the image of Snape and Dumbledore dancing out of my head. I looked everywhere, even stuck my hand up the Sorting Hat. Finally, I sighed exasperatedly and said, “Accio Gryffindor’s Sword!” Out from behind one of the portraits flew the silver sword, and I ducked in a hurry and it flew over my head and stuck in the wall. I yanked it out and left the office for another safe place.

‘ _Alright, so I’ve got the sword, now all I have to do is find It…_ ’ I thought as I exited the stairs to Dumbledore’s office. ‘ _What was it Ernie said? “Follow the trail of rainbow dust”?_ ’ I asked myself, looking down. There was certainly a lot of dust, but all of it was blue. The sun had gone down, so I lit my wand to give me more light. I kept walking, keeping my eyes down, searching for the rainbow dust. Surely if I didn’t talk, the zombie things would leave me alone?

‘ _Ah-ha!_ ’ I thought triumphantly, spotting some rainbow among the blue. I followed it around corners, down and up stairs, all over the castle it seemed. The trail lead out the front doors. ‘ _Crap,_ ’ I thought, opening the door a smidge. It was extremely dark outside, and the wind was cold. ‘ _No turning back now…_ ’ So I squeezed out the doors and out into the night.

The trail was easier to follow outside. There wasn’t as much blue dust out here to interfere, and the rainbow dust sparkled under my wand light. My fear was realized though, as the trail began to lead into the Forbidden Forest. “Oh, come on!” I cried out as the trail ended just at the end of the trees. I squinted into the darkness, looking for a shimmer of It.

“Looking for me, Lightning McQueen?” growled a voice, and out of the darkness stepped It, the fake vampire fairy lord, Edward Cullen.

“You,” I whispered, gripping Gryffindor’s Sword and my wand tightly in their respective hands.

“Me. I was wondering when you’d find me.”

“You knew?”

“Of course. I read minds. I knew that the Potter characters sent you after me,” It said, smirking satisfactorily. “But you have no chance. I’ll take over this story with my minions, and there’s nothing you can do to stop me!” It lunged for me, and I jumped aside, waving my wand.

“Stupify!” But the jet of red light merely bounced off It’s skin. It began to laugh.

“Fool! Your spells do not affect me, the great Fairy Lord!”

“Eff,” I muttered, pocketing the wand and held up the sword as It charged again. I thrust the sword out as It passed, scratching it’s cheek, but not doing any real damage. ‘ _I wonder if I can run It through… ?_ ’ I thought, but something told me it wouldn’t be that simple. Then, something jingled in my pocket. I pulled it out with my free hand. It was the Horcrux-seeking medallion. ' _I wonder..._ '

I held the medallion out in front of me. “Back, fairy, back!” It hissed and shrunk away from me. “What? You’re not scared of a little old Horcrux-seeking medallion, are you?” I taunted, chasing It against Hagrid’s Hut.

“ _No!_ Get it away from me!” It shrieked, but It was pinned against the hut, and had no where to go. I threw the medallion on It and It let out a scream of pain as the medallion started burning It’s skin.

As I held up the sword to stab It, I said, “I win,” and ran Gryffindor’s Sword through It’s torso. It burst into a huge pile of rainbow glitter, covering me with it. I blinked a few times before I realized It was gone. I wiped the sword off and began my journey back up to the school.


	7. Waking Up

As I walked through the corridors back up to the Library, I noticed there was a heck of a lot more blue dust. Piles of it, in fact. “They must have died with him,” I summed up, grinning. “I rid Hogwarts of pansy vampires!” I sang as I skipped down the final corridor happily. As I entered the Library, I was met by cheering. The entire cast of Harry Potter characters was there, clapping and cheering. They threw confetti and parted for me as I walked to the center. Neville and Pansy were there, smiling at me. Ron had come back from the dead, and I handed him his wand. “Thanks dude,” I said.

“No problem mate,” he answered, grinning. I stood on the table, and Neville and Pansy held my hands in the air.

“Lightning! Lightning!” everyone chanted.

“Bently! Bently!” called out a different voice, and the Hogwarts Library vanished.

I opened my eyes to see Half-Blood Prince under my cheek, and slight bit of drool on the page. I wiped it off and looked up. My room was still there. The clock read seven o’clock. “Finally Bent!” I looked over to my right to see my friend Russell kneeling beside me, grinning. “Dude, you’ve been yelling in your sleep. Something about the Fairy Lord?”

“Dude!” I exclaimed, sitting up swiftly. “No, you don’t get it! I was at Hogwarts, and the Twihards had taken over, and –”

“I’m sure dude. But you still owe me twenty bucks,” Russell laughed, and left me. I swore, and looked down at my book. I scanned through it, checking to make sure everything was still the same. It was. I sighed.

“Don’t worry guys, I saved you. It’ll never come back,” I told the book before closing it and jumping up to go get breakfast.

**Author's Note:**

> List of works referenced:  
> Harry Potter  
> Twilight  
> Star Wars  
> Cars  
> 300  
> A Very Potter Musical


End file.
